Loss and Grief

Trying to make sense of grief

Grief and loss can take many forms - growing older and losing our faculties, being made redundant, losing on the stock market, seeing our children leave home to pursue their own lives - and all these can help us to prepare for perhaps the greatest loss of all, the death of a loved one. Anger, denial, utter disbelief can all be part of this process as we learn to survive the initial onslaught and assess ourselves, others and a divinity or another source of strength (perhaps nature). We can go through and come out of deep depression, sadness and withdrawal. In this way we may find resources, within ourselves, to find engagement and acceptance, enabling us to continue without those who have died. It is a long and painful journey but one which can enrich us and give us hope. When this does no come, there are others to help, within our closer and larger communities. Sometimes there is simply nothing any one can do ... except wait.

Types of grief

The loss of a child is said to be the worst. The stillborn and the miscarried foetus are now recognised as equal to this loss, but this recognition has taken a long time to materialise. The death of a long-term spouse or partner must surely come close and also that of a parent. The trauma of parental loss can often be a surprise in its intensity if we are grown adults, but all these are natural responses.

A list of sources for help might include psychotherapists, body psychotherapists, The British Association for Counselling, Cruise, Age Concern and spiritual advisors, as well as the accepting presence of family and friends who do not 'try to fix it'.

Sudden death and anticipatory grief when one is diagnosed with a terminal illness can bring profound fear, panic and anxiety; but can also open the heart to giving and receiving love. We need to be aware also of the hurt, disbelief and anger we may experience when others appear to forget, dismiss or avoid our pain. The loss of pets can be a vital part of our grieving and one which needs to be acknowledged.

Grieving will vary

Continuing the bond with a loved one after death - belief in an afterlife, with, perhaps, the continuing care from our loved ones and the hope that we will be with them once more - can be reassuring. We need to understand that it is all right to feel relief, to laugh and smile, to feel guilt, gratitude, numbness or blame or to withdraw from life. Expressions of grief may vary depending on gender and culture. All may affect emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. To know that any of these - and other very personal interpretations - are a natural part of loss and grief and not to be ashamed or afraid to share these feelings with others is perhaps something our western culture needs to readdress.

Publications and resources

Please see The Natural Death Handbook and the weblink to publications for a more comprehensive account and for further sources of help, but here are some publications recommended highly, as a gentle and engaging introduction:

Hatanker, Jan, The Choice - Finding Life in the Face of Death, a therapist's case studies of encounters with death and of grief reconciliation, including her own.

Hunniford, Gloria, Always With You - a very personal account of losing a daughter, with letters from the public illustrating the losses and survival of others too.

LaGrand, Louis, Messages and Miracles – Extraordinary experiences of the bereaved – well-documented accounts of experiences of after-death communications.

Grieving naturally - It is about you

But first we suggest that the bereaved experience their grief and loss and let the tears and the agony show. As human beings, we are incredible in our ability to 'come through' as long as we are allowed - and allow ourselves - to do so naturally. There is no shame in grief.